On Children: 'How Does Your Garden Grow?'

Revised: Originally published 
Feb. 21, 2012, 12:35 AM

Life is replete with experience. As we progress through it, we eventually graduate to a state of adulthood. It is here that we are finally free to make all our own decisions. It is the precipice off which "No! I don't want to!" or "I'd much rather..." may finally leap, to spread its wings and take flight! Adulthood is the arena inside which "But why?" may ultimately propel itself from the top-buckle, on to the adversarial "Because I said so!" and deliver its felling blow.

As children, many of us are told what to believe, what to do, when to do it, why to do it, how to do it, what is appropriate, and what is real. Prevalent normative messages and social conventions of both primary and secondary social groups (feel free to read about the defining characteristics of each group for yourself), significantly influence people's behaviors and ideas. These social forces inform previous and preceding generations' parenting styles.

During our formative, tween, and adolescent years we often have no discernible say of our own. Sometimes this is for the better; for instance, when direction is instructional in nature. An adult who teaches a younger person how to cook, drive or navigate social media is tasked with showing them how to do so responsibly and without posing a threat to themselves or others. Though having no say sounds tyrannical, it is sometimes necessary. During those instances where parenting can be unnecessarily tyrannical we should consider alternative ways to nurture the development of children without the need for oppressive expectations, undermining self-esteem, negatively enabling, or meting out over the top punitive action. There are neither perfect parents nor role models. But all parties stand to benefit from guidance that incorporates reasonable rules along with explanations, respectful and transparent communication, and a dash of warmth. And though many of us may have had authoritarian, permissive, or neglectful parents (or some combination thereof), those who are new to parenting or who work closely with children needn't similarly behave towards them.

How then, after having experienced the conditioning and inculcation of childhood & adolescence, do we as adults guide or interact with children? I propose we do so as gardeners. Children are a gift. They are living, breathing, being, loving, malleable, little Opportunities. They are Pure Possibility. Children are the threshold across which Being ventures into the realm of self-experience. They are our chance to get it right; Life's renewed interest in itself. It is the gardener's responsibility to help draw their potential out into the light.

Memories (i.e., ideas) are the residual effect of what you experience in Life. For purposes of this blog entry, they are the very essence of who we are. They constitute our identity. And like building blocks that are stacked one atop the other, over time they shape a whole. An understanding of this emphasizes the importance of how we choose to interact with our world and one another. Some experiences will leave more lasting impressions than others, but there is no telling how many or which of them will have the most significant impact. Because of this, we must exercise great caution in aiding our children as they mature.

We often liken children to young plants, but how about to the soil itself? It is the insight and innovation that emerge from the minds and efforts of each new generation that seem more like plants to me. There is nothing more fertile than the impressionable mind of a child. Everything they encounter is a seed; not one of which is found unsuitable for the soil they represent. Anything can take root for better or worse, be it trauma-informed thoughts and behaviors or a healthy self-concept and self-esteem. Whatever takes root will favor doing so indefinitely. A child's mind is a hospitable environment; where there is no distinction between weed or flower. It is an environment that epitomizes unconditional love and acceptance. Such a landscape must be protected, just as we preserve land the world over! We spend billions of dollars on protecting our natural resources. What more the precious mindscapes of our youth.

It is of no benefit to any of us to poison the soil that will bear the future's fruit. What good is it to sabotage this critical resource. As gardeners, we must be sensitive, attentive, loving, and respectful of the children, their mindscape, and the possibilities they represent.

To be mindful of the soil and seeds is to be aware of what you say & do. For you will reap what you sow; we will all reap what we sow.