Recently I attended an annual social gathering. As I entered a room many of the people were standing in places where they’d stood before—several were dressed the same—just as I had previously recalled them. Their mannerisms were eerily similar to what I’d remembered from years past. Conversation was a combination of the drab, banter, and guttural utterances that I'd imagined were meant to compliment or mimic the grating sound of the music the environment was enveloped in. It was as though I was watching a rebroadcast of an episode of some TV program that I’d already seen. It seemed contrived. Someone brushed past, reminding me of my involvement. I stood there, as the room shrank, circling my forefinger around the lip of the beer can I was holding, and that I had no intention of drinking. It was compulsory to roam with one in hand. It could be used in lieu of the small talk. Wherever awkward or silent struck one need only feign a sip and nod or excuse themselves to retrieve a “cold one.” Despite trying to avert the small talk the behavior simply reintroduced itself. The gathering was one of revelry and distraction; one large exhaust pipe through which pent-up stress seemed to eagerly waft. The levity afforded by the costumes betrayed those so adorned, and what was enacted, at times, clearly expressed what remained unspoken; a need to connect and to feel attended. The small talk and distractive doings were abundant.
Small talk is used as a conversation opener, a polite closer, and to ease the tension during an otherwise awkward or silent personal encounter. It is often used to manage ones interpersonal space. It may be viewed as a relational no-fly zone or a testing grounds prior to our entering in to a more intimate level of interaction or relationship. What strikes me as odd is its persistence in long-standing relationships. To me it can indicate a demarcation of values, may bring awareness to the superficiality of a relationship, or suggest the presence of insecurity. Small talk is an expression of unease that may be caused by a threat that is either imagined or legitimately perceived.
When I find myself engaging in small talk with old friends I can’t help but question the depth of our relationship: “Have we nothing meaningful to discuss?” “Has the relationship become stagnant?” “Can we no longer relate?” “Did we ever—really?” It is a bizarre rift, and a sad realization to have arrived at; to for some reason feel as though you no longer speak the same language as those you once admired and enjoyed the company of. It is as though one of the parties has changed and the other no longer recognizes them, and the security that was cultivated by their growing familiarity no longer remains. It is initially off-putting. The experience can be made to drive a wedge between what were once like-minds (seeking the security of similarly held interests & beliefs) or viewed as an opportunity to evolve our understanding of relationships, and to further hone the communicative capabilities required to encourage the depth & breadth of our understanding those very relationships; relationships we might like to retain.
Perhaps our awareness of this behavior (i.e. “small talk”), and the motivation for it, invites us to explore what lies beyond it—possibly more meaningful relationships. During this stage of maturation our sensitivity to people’s differences intensifies as we focus less on “common ground” as a qualification for connectedness, and more on the enrichment of life that is afforded due to our exploration of those differences. To do so, however, requires a degree of self-familiarity that is obtained through a certain type of action, introspection, and a devotion to the open and honest communication of one’s thoughts & emotions.
Distractive doings are any kind of behavior that people engage in that suppress the ruminative side of their minds. In this sense it is as an act of avoidance (which is truly a defensive posturing and reaction) or as the expression of some thought or feeling that one struggles to voice with the use of conventional language. Here, the use of action that I'm addressing is not to be confused for its more rational application. It is the practice of sometimes either bashfully or alternatively expressing ones thoughts & feelings. For instance, Amy pensively journals because she feels that no one will listen to her or can relate. Or, Kahlil forgets his worries during his baseball practices and games. On both occasions Amy and Kahlil are unable to conversationally, openly, and honestly express themselves, so they do so alternatively. That said, I do not confuse a person’s extracurricular activities as being solely the manifestation of suppressed thoughts & feelings, but upon closer observation the notion cannot be entirely dismissed. Herein, my focus is on recognizing those instances when I and others exhibit these behaviors; when I and others engage in “small talk” or distractive doings.
While I'd prefer to more openly, honestly, and consistently communicate my thoughts & feelings with others, I often refrain from speaking them aloud. I bottle them up. Why? The attention of others is necessary. Beyond an exchange of information, communication is generally a curative request for attention. Communication aids a person with processing information they perceive as instrumental to their personal growth & development. It is the means to a sense of connection. This is most commonly achieved with the use of conventional language through conversation. In its absence the mind will devise an alternative method for expressing itself and requesting attention. The level of a person’s awareness of this process (and the nature of their participation in it) may help them to better determine how their suppressed thoughts & feelings reveal themselves. Their level of awareness will impact the specificity of their requests, and in turn the quality of feedback made accessible to them for processing, thereby enriching their relational exchanges. This may better aid them in their development, and healthily satisfy their need for connectedness (i.e. to belong or for contact).
It is an affliction to not know how to request the right kind of attention. Many people struggle with accurately & honestly articulating their thoughts & feelings. It is necessary for humans to do so. So in this sense many of us are afflicted. Several people struggle with saying exactly what it is they feel or mean. Personally, I am held captive by pride. No, that’s vague and inaccurate; instead, by the fear that people will think as lowly of myself as I do. It is the fear of being judged and found unacceptable by the very people whose lives I’d like to be a part of. It is the haunting promise that I will not be accepted—on the grounds of who I’ve been or how I am inaccurately perceived, rather than who I am or might become. I defiantly subdue that aspect of my humanness that is meant to connect, turning inward instead. My hardships are made my own to deal with, however unaddressed they’ll remain. Despite my stubbornness, my desire to be felt, heard, and understood can only withstand so much introversion. Apathy and isolation have been my coping mechanisms. They’ve also been detrimental to many opportunities for assistance or closure, where present-day difficulties arose or past hurts remained. In becoming more aware of this treacherous behavior, I more easily recognized and grew in my understanding of the other two (i.e. "small talk" & distractive doings).
I employ alternative forms of expression. I believe we all do. There are many to choose from such as exercise, art, sport, study, work, or anything really that one might devise a routine around. There are other forms that are more impulsive or less structured. These methods of self-expression are generally viewed as less disruptive or demanding, in that there needn’t be someone to directly communicate with in order to feel heard. Where conversation is interactive these alternative forms of expression don’t have to be. Where language is deficient, action may prove sufficient in temporarily relieving the stress of human disconnectedness. In my opinion, while this may be the case it cannot serve as any more than a band-aid solution in addressing humanity’s inherent need for empathy on a consistent basis.
These alternative forms of expression are inspired by the trending culture of self-reliance. On the one hand, independence is advocated and celebrated; on the other hand, human societies are historically interdependent. Our minds constantly struggle to reconcile these differences; often at the expense of our relationships and sometimes sanity. This idea that it is unacceptable to honestly share (thus address) ones thoughts & feelings, for fear of boring or burdening others, only makes matters worse for all. As there is apparently a time and a place for everything—that time and place seldomly found during most professional or social engagements that preoccupy much of our lives—we dismiss this basic human need with little regard for the effects of its neglect. We diminish the value of human connectedness on the level of honesty, playing it down with terms such as 'resilience' or with proverbs like, "there is no I in team." By addressing and relating their thoughts & feelings with one another people work out a better understanding of themselves and cultivate self-determination alongside a culture of insightfulness and healthy social connectedness. Conversation is vital to individuals and groups; however, verbal communication can sometimes be undermined and undervalued.
Words are depicted as the villain à la “actions speak louder than....” However, there are many instances where words—had they been responsibly and meaningfully employed—could have served people just as well, if not better. So, what I suggest is that it is the efficacy and honesty with which words are employed that govern whether they speak less, more, or just as loudly as the actions they are so often contrasted with. Difficulty arises when a person’s actions betray their words; only when what has been communicated is dishonest. The idiom is realized only in the absence of honesty. The fact that the phrase is used as frequently as it is only demonstrates how unversed we’ve become at honest conversation; where communication is relegated to the selfish act of saying what one must to get what one wants or needs. This behavior is an aberration (i.e. abnormality) of communication. It is communication without the element of empathy; a mere act of desperation. When we understand the difference we can then see our alternative forms of expression (i.e. distractive doings) as they truly are; a desire to be heard and understood masking as human activity or productivity.
Everywhere, people speak this type of language; philanthropy, politics, religion, and violence are all other alternative forms of communication. They are conversations atop conversations. The point is that I believe these other forms of expression are a breach in a person's primary pipeline for self-expression, on the level of the individual. Where my need to be empathized with may be unmet on this level, I will then draw inward, or dawn a mask & role, or I will find a group to identify with that will act (on my behalf) as my voice to validate my thoughts & feelings. Pent-up thoughts & feelings cannot remain indefinitely suppressed. And so, if made to, they will emerge as antisocial or irrational thoughts & behaviors, or they will be channeled as some other feat of human inventiveness.
To each method is an effect. For instance, with introversion might come introspection and loneliness. For instance, in time one may become lost under the mask(s) and convinced of their role(s), which may offer an illusory sense of fulfillment with occasional bouts of brooding and self-questioning. The group identification alternative is no less insidious. A person will become dependent on that group for representation, and in time will recognize the group’s voice as their own. What need is there to exercise reason when given over to group think? Here, a person’s quiet desperation (to be listened and related to) is bated into the sacrifice of their individuality. The need for connectedness turns on the individual. In this instance, they’ve undermined the very thing they sought the acknowledgment and/or approval of—themselves. It behooves people to practice open & honest communication—in the conventional sense—as often as possible. This, again, requires a great deal of self-familiarity.
Where a person cannot speak it, they will have no other choice but to eventually act it out; often in ways they aren’t even aware of at the time of its occurrence. Inhibition inevitably gives way to some other manifestation. It is only a matter of time. Life is rife with mediums. A distinct difference between the two primary mediums (i.e. conversation and all the rest) is that one is limited by aptitude and the conventions of a familiar language and the other, while sharing those characteristics, is not governed solely by them. As such, some actions, being this breach in our primary pipeline for self-expression on the level of the individual that I’ve described, are dishonest, less focused, and less predictable depictions of what is (or has been) going on in our minds. There are several ways for these obstructions to reveal themselves, and people either unwittingly negotiate routines for their release or are periodically victimized by an eruption of their (and anyone else's) communicative pipelines—outbursts of backlogged thoughts & feelings
Everything that I’ve mentioned so far sheds light on some of the difficulty that is encountered, within the current communicative paradigm, as people explore how to best express themselves within a world where their honesty with words remains underdeveloped, and at times understandably at odds with their actions. The dishonesty, inefficiency, and inaccuracy we use to share ourselves with one-another is attested by the behaviors that I've described. The selectivity that we use in determining our varying degrees of disclosure and to whom we will disclose is unmistakably insecure. It is fear, and obstructs open and honest communication. Along those lines, it ultimately delays progress, that is, any constructive derivative that would have either taken a lot longer to or never been arrived at. Openly & honestly relating our experiences is a very powerful and naturally therapeutic way to make sense of our lives, integrate our experiences, and explore the opportunities that only honesty affords. It may greatly reduce miscommunication & misunderstanding, and inform our cultural confidence & competence. Perhaps not. It's too easy to idealize. However, one can imagine that such a culture would, as its "opposite", differ significantly from the one we've realized and currently choose to perpetuate.
When the masks come off, the distractions cease, and the idle chatter is silenced, the full weight of person’s existence will come to bear. At this instance they’ll finally understand just how long they've relied on these behaviors to escape and/or mask the discomforts of a dishonest life. Initially the weight of finally facing their true feelings, and self, will seem overwhelming and perhaps slightly unpleasant. The realization of just how unfamiliar they’ve been with themselves may anger, sadden, or intimidate them. Feelings of self-betrayal or denial are not uncommon. It is no easy task to acknowledge just how little one knows them self. Especially after having lived for as long as they have as they have; it is the mending of self and the examination of one’s motives. It is the ascent to honesty.
The ascent begins with our acknowledging the practical and social applicability (and perhaps need) for honesty as a basis for our relations, and as an achievable standard for all. It is the call to a sensible reconciliation of one's inconsistencies, an evaluation of self, and an accountability for one's own irrational behavior. Despite one's previous efforts to hide, ignore, and trivialize their dishonest behavior, a person is called to meet it head on. This may alleviate the pressure of having to continually legitimize such behaviors, dispelling the very sense of insecurity it produces, that in turn breeds both guilt or indifference.
Beyond the personal considerations, honesty also relies on an interpersonal skill set of a certain type; one that requires a transparency and vulnerability that cannot be found in "small talk" and distractive doings. The quality of our social behavior significantly shapes our experience. To socialize is to participate in a "lifelong process of inheriting and disseminating norms, customs and ideologies." The quality of what we put in to our relationships will affect their output. If we substitute honesty with dishonesty we conceivably affect those norms, customs, and ideologies. We transcend some reactionary stage in our human development when we proactively engage in honesty. We can evolve our understanding of relationships, changing them and the conditions in which we live, in the process. Honesty, however, requires courage.
Be Well...Loved Ones,
Albert
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