On The Possibilities of 'I' (My AM/FM)

These past two years I've done quite a bit of introspection. That is to say that I am devoted, almost entirely at times, to the "examination or observation of one's own mental and emotional processes." I've chosen the word 'devoted', because that is what best describes this exercise (i.e. dedication), where up until this point, any experiences with introspection held less personal import than the incident(s) they were associated with, if any at all. The relationship with this atypical, or borderline obsessive, 'introspective devotion' & lifestyle can be likened to whatever else one might consume their "time" with: career, bills, mortgage, artistry, prayer, preparations for a marathon, Olympiad, or whatever else one might find themself entirely passionate about.

The wife & children can attest, as this had a direct effect on them, and still does. And, while I may have been withdrawn at times or made decisions that were not readily understood by any of them, much less by anyone that has observed or had an opinion on the matter, on the outside looking in, the intention has always been to provide my family, loved ones, fellow beings, and myself with the best 'I' possible; with all that I have been throughout, as a necessary procedure toward that ends. It is a different type of livelihood that offers a different type of subsistence; one I hope to share with anyone willing to explore its benefits further or for themselves.

My wife points out that things really began three years ago. She is correct, according to what the year is called (i.e. 2010), though technically just barely over two years out, it was in December 2010 that I was in a deep "depression"—a common theme throughout this life. December was markedly one of the most severe 'lows' I have experienced, or at least it seemed such.

I was working away from home, and stayed within the vicinity of employment 2-3 times a week. It was then that I encountered an Agent of Change, as I like to call them. Shortly thereafter I took up room & board with him. There I read, wrote, and reflected...a lot. Although just as important as the consistency of reading, writing, and reflecting, was the quality of the output in time.

If any place outside of my mind is to be associated with 'where' the introspective 'devotion' began, it was there. There is where I had carefully begun to withdraw myself from the world that I had previously so strongly identified with; a world filled with concern, television & radio programming, fear, discontent, doubt, cynicism, the amassing of possessions, unacknowledged/unidentified emotional anchors & dependencies, fault without forgiveness, shame, secrecy, dishonesty, and any other idiosyncrasies of that previous place that do not currently come to mind. Now, this is not to say that I no longer experience any of the aforementioned, rather I am far more aware of them and discriminating of how and/or if they are allowed to run interference during 'I' life experience at present.

The way that I describe this is like switching back-and-forth from AM to FM on your radio dial. For matters of clarity, I will refer to my Being's former place of continuance or residence as the FM, and this 'place' arrived at, as a result of my introspective devotion, the AM. I feel that I have frequented one radio wave for far too long (FM), and am now not only aware of but deciding to hone my receptiveness to the other (AM).

One preference gave way to another, albeit in an extreme fashion at first. The approach can be likened to an alcoholic or heroine addict quitting "cold-turkey," as it has been a very agonizing and emotionally volatile experience. At first, the inclination was to entirely reproach everything that I felt was associated with, or some intolerable vestige of, the FM. Insodoing, I unapologetically & indiscriminately began to rebuke everything that even faintly resembled those things I would no longer admit in to my life, nor felt were necessary to the AM that I was now acknowledging & exploring.

This implicit detestation of 'all things prior' morphed into self-righteous indignation and a harshness of manner toward those that I had felt "did not get it", or if they did then simply "did not exercise their understanding of it properly." I had transmuted some previous state-of-being, that I had regarded the less desirable of the two, into its greater only to turn it in to something worse. Out of the desire to grow a more positive & compassionate self I had managed to substitute a self-loathing disposition for a judgmental one, whereby I'd loathe others; a symptom of withdrawal from my previous state of being, I'd imagine, from that side of me (FM) that I had mistakenly felt needed to be entirely excavated in order for the AM to have room to grow.

I then developed the understanding that the aim could not be to displace my unhappiness by projecting it outward; towards people & things that serve it far less than the 'I' that harbors it, thereby placing blame where it does not belong. How naive I was in doing so. Such an attitude toward these two understandings (i.e. AM/FM) of 'I' left me conflicted.

The FM, presumably feeling threatened, knowing its necessary & natural place in the grand scheme of things, was desperately pleading its relevance, while what led to my conflicted state was not what I had blamed—neither the FM nor any form of being outside of 'I'—but rather my misunderstanding that in order for the one (AM) to have room to exist that the other (FM) must be extinguished. Nay, but that the more underdeveloped of the two (AM) need only be given equal attention & opportunity, for the more it grows so to does my understanding of its application in the FM, the broader my general self-understanding becomes, and the more appreciative I become of all facets of 'I' being.

There was a rekindled hope in humanity, a reemergence of genuine self-confidence, where all that was required to revitalize an enervated & aggravated FM was the invigoration of the malnourished AM. The FM could be described as an inflamed bodily tissue, effected by overuse. It has had to compensate for the AM's inadequate presence, mimicking its partner's responsibilities to the whole as only an FM knows how; as an FM.

The fear, discontent, doubt, cynicism, anchors, dependencies, and other perceived negativity that I had grouped together and identified with some previous place of residence, that I've termed FM for the purpose of what I am currently expressing, were all symptoms of a divided self where some part was encumbered by the other's inability to carry out its responsibilities to the whole. But now the whole was healing.

It was very apparent to me that my power of observation was becoming more finely developed, due this experimentation in self-enquiry & introspection. As a result of the positive effects I had felt that the behavior was eliciting within me, I began to mistakenly turn the observatory lens outward again; projecting my personal need for such an understanding toward the betterment of self, on to others, as some universal tool required for everyone's self exploration.

At this point it seemed reasonable, necessary even, to do so. The sentimentality of wanting to "heal" others, as I believed I was being healed, ladened me with some sense of responsibility for sharing what had serendipitously or so graciously been gifted me. What I failed to understand was that although the examination and observation of my own mental and emotional processes served me well, the results of my introspection would not have the same effect on others. These results were no more than answers to my own questions; answers that I'd be assuming were relevant to others should they stumble upon some question I had similarly asked myself. Even if they initiated a similar process of introspection, and asked the same exact questions of themselves, the enquiry would have occurred under different circumstances (their own), with different answers; answers that are theirs, not mine.

Having been immersed in a conscious stream of 'question & answer', I could sense certain avenues of understanding being unlocked within & about me. Like the details of a movie or book one sometimes fails to recognize until a second viewing or reading, I was being made aware of the constituents of that 'some' or 'no' thing that I am a part of. It had given me a fuller, more appreciative, and awestruck understanding of the possibilities that lay before & within me; it was a filling in of blanks, a reunion with a neglected & forgotten part of 'I', and a celebration of that part of self that has long since been taken for granted and mistaken for a hindrance (i.e. FM), that in all reality has proven most loyal, dependable, and resilient.

The option to switch back-and-forth occasionally remains present; it is necessary in fact, with neither being the better of the two (if two at all), but perceived halves that when in balance bring about a fullness of being. It is my understanding that one is more frequently engaged than the other. In my case it is the FM. However, the seldom engaged of the two is crucial for a better appreciation, or the hightened enjoyment, of its other, and as such the enjoyment, as a whole, of this Life experience for its Listener. And so, the point of the lesson being to foster my awareness of any such imbalance as it occurs, in order to correct course along the way, until such a time that 'I' have learned to do so naturally; until such a time that balance is 'I' being.

Be Well, Loved Ones...

Albert