What is the longest that you have devoted to piecing yourself apart and
back together again? For the past two years I've reflected on different
aspects of my life experience. A handful of those
reflections were posted on a blog, others are found maniacally
scattered within journals, in notebooks & page margins, or on loose
leaf. And, others still were symbolically disposed of (i.e. burned) or
just plain ripped to pieces in fits of lamentation or rage. I have an
extremely patient and understanding companion, who puts others before
herself. She has not only allowed me to lose myself in this experience,
but has at times encouraged me to do so, and in having lost much of
myself I have gained far more than either of us could have ever imagined
possible. Not everyone, who is in a relationship, is so fortunate to
have someone as open to this type of exploration as I am, so I take the
opportunities I am afforded to deeply reflect on life as seriously as a
person employed in some other manner of preoccupation - it is my
vocation. However, I put no store by it.
Everyone is fighting a
battle of some kind or another. While my First World "problems" can not
hold a candle to the problems faced by those far less privileged than
myself, they have been real enough to have effected my life to the point
of attempting to end it, or at the very least to have considered doing
so on several other occasions. I was adopted. Rather than adopting for
myself an attitude of gratitude I obsessed over what I had imagined to
be my biological parents' renunciation of interest in the well-being of a
son. The possibility of my adoption being a blessing (not a curse) had
neither crossed my mind nor been brought to my awareness. For me, I
simply musn't have been what they intended or wanted. Either way, I was a
mistake or undesirable. That is what I believed. The crucible of
abandonment has been my journey. Some of the things that I have
struggled with are as follows: distrust, forgiveness, insecurity, and
self-worth; all of which have contributed to a great deal of
dysfunction. For much of my life I've simply coped. My father wasn't
very affectionate, and what with having to endure testicular cancer,
eventual paralysis of the lower half of his body, ulcers, a wave of
coronary thrombosis, quadruple bypass, edema, et cetera, he had very
little time to sort me out. He was giving however, as was (is) my
mother. She was (is) very affectionate, but they spoiled me rotten. As
one might imagine, band-aids became the modus operandi in much of my
ensuing life experience; where there were issues that could not be more
healthily expressed, acknowledged, and addressed within the family
setting, I'd simply suppress them or find some other creative means of
distracting myself from them. As a result of having spent the last two
years wandering through the inner depths of my mind, much has been
revealed. And, although I have expressed, acknowledged, and addressed
much in that time, I have only just begun to demystify my being, so as
to step more confidently in the direction of its fulfillment.
I have explored a variety of subject matter over the course of these two years: oneness, God, religion, education, natural resources, time, dissatisfaction, isolation, alcohol & drug abuse, infidelity, lust, faith, love, luck, death, family, marriage, children, friendship, nutrition, exercise, existence, choice, action, inaction, communication, beauty, dependency, attachment, identity, equality, acceptance, fear, diffidence, self-control, loss of control, peace, consumerism, speciesism, presence, potential, expectations, opportunity, depression, narcissism, simplicity, social media, longing, loneliness, self-determination, gratitude, kindness, compassion, perception, attitude, adaptation, misery, the outdoors, power, public opinion, and honesty. While I am by no means some great thinker or writer, I have done a great deal of thinking of a certain kind (i.e. inward-looking), which in turn has produced material for writing. While it has undoubtedly served me to do so it is clear that that part of my development now draws to a close. And, while I currently haven't as much of a desire to reflect as I have (or more specifically, from the place that I have), I will patiently await the fruits of where I'm at. Recently my wife and I were given the opportunity to attend a four day retreat. In four days (with complete strangers) I was able to unearth an entirely different side of myself.
While I'd like to accredit my Caritas experience - as transformative as it was - with being the sole cause of this sense of spiritual development that I am currently (and have been perhaps permanently) imbued with, I can't help but feel as though it has simply (however importantly) served to both conclude and preface chapters in the achievement of my full potential. For this I am grateful, and I look forward to wherever God will have me. In the interim I offer my poetry & reflections as I'd stated: as a running commentary on how I've been in life, while I was there; a showcase of one's muddled mind, and reconciliation of my thoughts....an arena within which the behaviors, inconsistencies, and notions that comprised my identity were constantly being accepted, challenged, rejected, and explored. My hope is that some of what I've reflected on will resonate with others and act as an aid in their process of perhaps piecing themselves apart and back together again as well.
Be Well, Loved Ones...
Albert Reed
I have explored a variety of subject matter over the course of these two years: oneness, God, religion, education, natural resources, time, dissatisfaction, isolation, alcohol & drug abuse, infidelity, lust, faith, love, luck, death, family, marriage, children, friendship, nutrition, exercise, existence, choice, action, inaction, communication, beauty, dependency, attachment, identity, equality, acceptance, fear, diffidence, self-control, loss of control, peace, consumerism, speciesism, presence, potential, expectations, opportunity, depression, narcissism, simplicity, social media, longing, loneliness, self-determination, gratitude, kindness, compassion, perception, attitude, adaptation, misery, the outdoors, power, public opinion, and honesty. While I am by no means some great thinker or writer, I have done a great deal of thinking of a certain kind (i.e. inward-looking), which in turn has produced material for writing. While it has undoubtedly served me to do so it is clear that that part of my development now draws to a close. And, while I currently haven't as much of a desire to reflect as I have (or more specifically, from the place that I have), I will patiently await the fruits of where I'm at. Recently my wife and I were given the opportunity to attend a four day retreat. In four days (with complete strangers) I was able to unearth an entirely different side of myself.
While I'd like to accredit my Caritas experience - as transformative as it was - with being the sole cause of this sense of spiritual development that I am currently (and have been perhaps permanently) imbued with, I can't help but feel as though it has simply (however importantly) served to both conclude and preface chapters in the achievement of my full potential. For this I am grateful, and I look forward to wherever God will have me. In the interim I offer my poetry & reflections as I'd stated: as a running commentary on how I've been in life, while I was there; a showcase of one's muddled mind, and reconciliation of my thoughts....an arena within which the behaviors, inconsistencies, and notions that comprised my identity were constantly being accepted, challenged, rejected, and explored. My hope is that some of what I've reflected on will resonate with others and act as an aid in their process of perhaps piecing themselves apart and back together again as well.
Be Well, Loved Ones...
Albert Reed
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