On Self Love

There comes a time when you finally understand what it means to be yourself, and that to do so requires above all else a love of self. Perhaps until then you had thought it a struggle; grappling to define or find your self amid the expectations of others, social roles, and norms - the ever elusive you. All the while there you'd been, and all that was ever needed was for you to remain still enough to recognize and appreciate yourself. There you had been, where there was never anything to strive for to begin with. There, chasing approbation, status, and wealth. It's like pursuing a phantom, expecting to seize what does not exist in the hope that you will some day be handsomely rewarded with fulfillment in any or all of its imagined forms. But, true fulfillment, if such a thing even exists, might only by realized through self-understanding because it is only with such an understanding that we can engage honestly and meaningfully with life.

I occasionally compare myself to others despite knowing better. I have embellished things for shame of my shortcomings both perceived and real. Awash in self-loathing and tormented by a fear of rejection my life has been a cycle of happiness for people & their accomplishments, covetousness and disappointment.

Now I realize that covetousness is a reflection of a lack of self-acceptance. My covetousness is based on the desire to be happy and mistaking happiness for being that when I am this. Sometimes, when I hear people speak happily about their interests & preoccupations I am unnerved  because I am reminded of my baseless dissatisfactions. Such times are best addressed by exercising gratitude, that is, being mindful of (and perhaps acknowledging aloud) the good in ones life.

Additionally, I realize that the disappointment I feel is a reflection of what I don't like in myself and see in others. Frequently the idealist, I am easily disheartened when people fail to measure up to my morals or fall short of the potential I recognize in them. For example, when people make excuses (like I often do) - which for me clearly prevents them from realizing said potential - it triggers a profound sense of hopelessness within me. In a way it makes me feel like, "If this person who I admire can't do it why try myself." I am ashamed to admit that at times it even drives me to unhealthily seek out such relationships so to assuage my feelings of regret, affirm my defeatist behavior, and allow me to feel better about myself. These times are best addressed with impersonalization and patience, that is, understanding that others are on their own path, respecting their decisions without having to agree with them, and deeply reflecting on the motives behind my behavior.

To celebrate other people's happiness I must realize my own. The realization of happiness is rooted in self-love and acceptance. If I am self-loathing I am not self-loving. What then do I reference when striving to love others? One might say, "Reference the random acts of love you see others engaged in" or "Reference scripture." Love, for me, is a very personal thing and until one has experienced it at the level of their self what good is it to observe others or read their intellectualization of it? To say "I love you" without first having learned to love oneself seems a naively empty gesture. It is to speak something one knows so very little about.  All can feel love, but to give love is to be love. And to be anything in life requires that we learn (i.e. experience) firsthand how it feels. And, while others may provide us with an occassional sense of this, how deeper will our understanding of love be - and propensity to share it - when we finally realize it at the level of self-love and acceptance. When the spring from which love is drawn is love itself you'd think the water purer than had it been drawn from a spring of loathing.

It has been said that service is enough to cultivate love. While to serve others may help to facilitate the genuine article in time, and too ones love of self, I feel in many cases it just as easily convolutes the process where some people may naively or unabashedly characterize their acts of service  as motivated by love when they are no more than an act of dependency - false altruism - where what is done is because of the pleasure or pride that it brings. In which case it is a distorted experience and understanding (of the genuine article) that is being cultivated and enabled instead. Alternatively, one may think they are sowing self love & acceptance only to reap hubris and obstinance. No matter the route, forgiveness, honesty, mindfulness, patience, and self-understanding are vital.

For so many years I had been searching, but couldn't explain what it was that I'd been searching for. The covetousness, disappointment and happiness would jostle about . They would all well up inside me and stir into a maelstrom of confusion, self-doubt, and sadness. I didn't feel whole and I was convinced that if I looked hard enough I'd arrive at clues to what 'it' was that I was missing. All this time I'd been searching for self-acceptance, self-appreciation, and self-love, but expecting that others would somehow fill that need for me. It's not what you're called, where you've been, who you know, or what you've done. It's just you...living. So, rather than searching for some idealized version of yourself, live. Who are you? Let him/her be. Stop giving yourself such a hard time. Acknowledge and celebrate yourself as you are. Stop searching for that version of yourself that does not exist. Stop trying to shape yourself according to the things that you've been taught to value. Look to your own values; question, reevaluate, and prioritize them. Stop trying so hard and start listening to that part of yourself that's been awaiting the opportunity to be heard as it is and has always been. Yield to your truths. To align oneself with the flow of what is is as simple as no longer forcing what isn't; no longer trying to reason ones way around what is; allowing what's been to be as it may; and, watching it fulfill its potential. You've got to let your idealized self go in order for you to authentically grow. Isn't it about time you appreciate and love yourself? I'd like to find out who that person is and what they're capable of. I am all too familiar with that version of me who has loathed himself and I look forward to getting to know  the one that loves himself.

Be We, Loved Ones...

Albert