On Honesty and Offense

For me, to live conscionably and unapologetically is to live honestly; to be oneself without pretense. But many of us project a false self due to the fear of being spurned. We'd rather be accepted for who we aren't than risk the rejection of who we genuinely are. We filter or censor parts of who we are so to comply with the standards of those we choose to have relationships with. It is an exhausting and impossible task as offense seems to be characteristic of interpersonal relationships, particularly open and honest ones. It is merely a fact of life. The reality is that I can never be freely and fully myself without the likelihood of friction, disagreement, and misunderstanding - principles will collide.

Many of us romanticize such a virtue as acceptance but find ourselves intolerant in our routine dealings with one another. Where I may say, "I am sharing my sincere self!" Another will assuredly respond from time-to-time, "But I'd prefer that you did so according to my understanding of decorum." Oddly enough, both parties are welcoming each other. Although they are both engaged in sharing exactly what it is they feel - inviting the other in - the occasional offense will arise. Blogger, magentamirror, posted, "I share with you a piece of my life and you think I am evaluating you, criticizing you, comparing you to others, rejecting you . . .And yet, all the while, I am welcoming you." What she perceived as an act of honesty and vulnerability was in turn perceived as an offensive slight. She goes on to point out the following:

"If only people wouldn't get offended. It can become a comedy of errors, when someone is offended by something you've said and you don't know which thing it is. So you might say it again, not knowing that maybe you were misunderstood in the first place . . . and the other person's sense of being offended multiplies, as in: "Look! She's doing it again!" Then "she" becomes a horrible creature, indeed, having racked up so many "insults" against the offended person. Others who care about the person shake their heads and go "Tsk! Tsk! What an insensitive, cold, rude, and unsupportive person 'she' is!"

Unofficial but real social teams form, urging the offended one to ignore the one who accidentally and completely unknowingly offended him.

Weeks go by, months go by . . . This could go on for years if somebody doesn't speak up and say, "What, exactly, did you mean by that?"

If only it wasn't so real. It makes a person want to sit down and cry."

I believe her third paragraph is particularly important, specifically: "What, exactly, did you mean by that?" If the aim is to be heard than we need only concern ourselves with expressing whatever, however, whenever. That is all. We do that, and we're sure to achieve the simple feat of being heard. However, that is not what we are truly after. If the aim is to be understood than our communicative approach can not be as simple as saying what comes to mind, with the unreasonable expectation that those in range, those intended, or who happen upon our ramblings will miraculously understand exactly 'where' what we've communicated is coming from or what we mean. Communication is the art of cooperation - a labor of love. When effective, it is where one's will to be understood is matched by another's will to understand.

More often than not it seems as though the two are unaligned. For example, I share my thoughts with you and you get offended. Let's assume that I was not trying to intentionally malign you in this instance. Why then are you offended? You are offended because your principles have been crossed. What I've said does not correspond with them. Your principles, however, are what define you. Your identity is the sum of your principles. Thus, you perceive that I have obliquely challenged or attacked your identity vis-à-vis said principles. The offense is that by my having challenged or attacked your identity, in this sense, I have exhibited intolerance. The offense stems from a sense of rejection; the very thing our conversation was set in to motion to counter in the first place. The hope was that in sharing a part of myself with you that I would be uncritically received. What was to be a bonding experience has become a matter of discord where neither person feels accepted.

All this from my not having communicated as clearly as I could have, not checking in with you to see if what I was saying was making any sense to you, or your not asking, "What, exactly, did you mean by that?", or some combination of the aforesaid whereby we could have arrived at a clearer understanding. What I said to you, from my perspective, was merely a gesture. It was me inviting you in for a cup of relationship, not trying to shoo you away and yet we find ourselves at odds.

Again, it isn't offense that is undesirable. Offense, in this example, indicates that you have accurately or inaccurately perceived an intentional disregard or insult. But, it is up to both the sender and receiver to determine if this was in fact the case. That takes work and one does not devote their time & energy to what they do not value. It is the quality of the participants' efforts to work out an understanding that will reveal their commitment to the relationship and ultimately decide its fate. If the parties decide that the relationship is not worth the effort than I can see how one might be made out as a "horrible creature". After all, the effect of not working things out often results in the dichotomous orientation of the parties involved; lines will be drawn and sides taken, ergo the "social teams" that magentamirror addressed.

One need not fret over this. Such instances delineate our principles and priorities. They beg the questions, "Is this what I want for myself? Does this make me happy? Is this who I am? Is this worth the effort?" And, provide us with the opportunity to answer those questions honestly so that we may proceed with our lives, to seek out further opportunities and to better appreciate the ones we've been given...perhaps.

Be Well, Loved Ones...

Albert