On Real Talk: Marriage, Misery and Mending

Animals, insects, microbes and humans all exemplify environments while they themselves exist within environments (i.e. biomes, meso ecosystems, micro ecosystems). All of these so-called environments exist in a rather routine state (with varying rates of evolutionary change). All of the things which exist within those environments can become "decrepit," "crippled," or "unhealthy" - "sick" as it's put. They will remain so, more often than not, if certain conditions within themselves do not change despite the environment being what it is. Sometimes things are driven by adaptation. Other times they are what's driving it.

In reflecting on this meme, I easily see how the environment can be mistakenly characterized as what needs changing. If what we mean is the environment we ourselves personify than yes, we need evolving or maturation. But if what is implied is simply translocation (e.g changing our habitat) this will in no way serve to address the psychological baggage we schlep around—awares or unawares—from one environment or relationship to the next. If we are what pollutes the water it won't much matter which well we occupy. Whomsoever draws from us to quench their thirst does so at their peril.

M and I are wrestling with deep-seated unreconciled issues from our distant past. We dated, had sex at her college dorm and then married after our first born's conception. We believed it was the right thing to do. We were impulsive twenty-one year olds, as there was neither careful nor meaningful consideration of the potential long-term effects of our decision. There was no way for us to predict how the unresolved trauma from our individual experiences during our more formative and premarital years would inevitably inform or undermine our bumbling (but well-intentioned) attempts at adulting and raising a family of our own.

As the years rolled past—and our family grew, worldviews & self concept changed, expectations went unmet and financial hardship & associated familial distress eventuated—we carved out roles and became entrenched in habitual behaviors & patterns which served our conditions (for better and worse). Our foundation was shoddy and familial structure crudely engineered—a continuum of coping strategies emerged, where slowly and inconspicuously the negative ones became more prevalent than our positive ones.

Resentment proliferated as we engaged in a protracted offensive of mutually demonstrated passive aggressiveness (i.e. an "indirect expression of hostility through acts such as subtle insults, sullen behavior, stubbornness, or a deliberate failure to accomplish required tasks"), temptations presented themselves and we contrived "secret lives" in our desperate attempts to address our personal unmet wants & needs.

Embarrassingly enough, we had engaged in various forms of escapism and sought extramarital comfort, thinking it'd address the emptiness and confusion we had often wrongly solely attributed to each other's 'spousal' shortcomings. Again, the fact is that much of our dysfunction stems from abandonment and trust issues that predate our marriage (i.e. possibly prenatal and definite childhood & adolescent trauma) which were subsequently compounded by the stressors of family life.

Now, we are necessarily reaping the maladapted fruits of our inexperienced & catastrophic decisions, as certain truths begin to surface. These are certainly treacherous waters we are presently navigating—a storm of our own brewing. In many ways, an 'environment' of our making, and a projection of an amalgam of unexamined issues we've been genuinely ignorant of, afraid of thus deliberately avoided or misprioritized for what we believed were more practical & immediate concerns at the time (e.g. making ends meet, clothing, educating, feeding, housing, medicinally treating and nurturing our children, etc).

As our children mature and become autonomous our relationship becomes increasingly interspersed with "breathing space"—so the environments in play are dynamic. However disquieting they may be, these moments give us the rare opportunity to face ourselves and each other in ways never previously afforded. Needless to say they have been quite telling, and much of what we're unearthing is entirely unpleasant.

Our futures feel conjointly promising, terrifying and ultimately uncertain. Our lives have been interwoven since pre-school. Our married life's "narrative arc" spans 18 years in four different living environments. No matter the change in scenery, some form of dysfunction always prevails (no relationship is exempt - stare long enough into the abyss and you'll see what lurks in the dark). While such settings may provide a stage upon which our prevailing conditions can be expressed they are not responsible for birthing or vitalizing the sickness - we are predisposed and feed it ourselves. It thrives on avoidance, dishonesty, lack of self-awareness, poor communication and repression.

People often question the "institution" of marriage and the concept of love—I know we have. Many of the refutations I've heard or read do more to elucidate the bias behind such assertions than convince me of their verity. That said, M and I are having to really dig deep to determine our motives, air and redress grievances, redefine our intentions and rebuild our relationship. This by no means delegitimizes marriage or monogamy so much as legitimizes these conventions through our decision to engage in the self-work and effort necessary for the relationship to be as beneficial, meaningful, fulfilling and respectful as possible moving forward. This is both extremely challenging and edifying.

I deeply respect, am profoundly fond of and choose M. She claims the feeling is mutual. It is safe to say that we are not participating in a fallacy of sunk costs or blind codependence, though my how deep we've had to dig to substantiate that. The descent has been a harrowing and adaptive environment; perhaps we have not yet reached rock bottom. Perhaps we have. In looking up or down I see no destination nor light. But, I see a light emerging from myself and the woman I'm climbing with and that is auspicious.